Off She Goes...

My lovely Sugarplum had her first day of college classes yesterday. She sent me a text message at 7:00 a.m., "Today is my first day of college!" I'm generally not a weeper, I usually don't cry unless there is music. Musical accompaniment will get me every time; the Christmas play at church, a picture slide show of my kids with background music. At her graduation ceremony in May the graduation march would have got me but my 5 year old tried to stand on the seat to see better when the procession began and the seat tipped, his leg went down between the seat and seat back and was stuck. He started to cry and I was struggling to get him out of there before I missed the whole thing, and so I had a rush of stress and distraction that circumvented the tears.

Yesterday, I smiled at the text message and sent one back to say I was so proud and to call me later and tell me all about it. I'm excited for her and I hope it turns out to be the best kind of experience for her, one of learning, hard work, and growing as a person and figuring out who she wants to become. She's making some mixed choices, some good and some bad, and that is how it needs to be I suppose. It's hard when they are young and you tell them how it's going to be, you make them do things, and weather their anger and resentment. It's harder when they tell you how it's going to be and you have to stand there, voicing what you believe is right, hearing through your memory of being 18 how lame it sounds to her, and withholding support for the decisions you can't go along with. They can't know what you know, having a whole 18 years worth of perspective. And they can't know until they have their own babies that you die a little inside for every tear they shed.
Someday she'll know, when she leans in to breath deep the smell of her baby's skin and her soul feels the weight - the promise and the fear - for that little one's future, that I was trying to hold fast to basic principles, to her dignity, to her beauty as a person. I was supporting her in withholding support for certain things. My prayer is that she'll respect me for it, someday.

And for now, I rejoice in the things that are wonderful!! Like her first day of college classes, her first college job, her first steps toward independence. And I'm trying not to cry.


Anonymous said...

A great start to your new blog. I adore your blog title, too. And look at your kids! Goodness.

Hmmm, did you ask me to review your blog? No? I didn't think so. ;)

Thanks for the linky love. I'm keeping nice company in that blogroll! I'll be back!

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

Oh wow...you are going to make me cry (OK I admit I am a little right now!)

She's beautiful! You must be one proud mama.

Thanks for adding me to your blogging reads. :) Welcome to blogging!

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