I'm the One with the Baby

This is a series of posts. They stand alone, but if you're interested:
Click here for the first: The Stick Turned Pink
Click here for the second: I’m Impressive
Click here for the third: The Sucker Punch
Click here for the fourth: The Change? What Change?

In the year 2007 I had a baby, then I turned 40, and then I abruptly went through menopause.

I knew the baby was coming. I knew the birthday was coming. The premature menopause thing, it shocked me and upset me. It still does.

I wanted another baby. I still do.

It could be worse, obviously. I don’t mean in writing these posts to imply that this is just the most horrible thing that could happen to me or that I’m not counting my blessings. The first thing I did was count my blessings.

I fully realize that Dr. Lovely’s call could have been very bad news indeed. It could have been cancer for instance, or some other disease. I don’t have a disease. I have a condition. A manageable one at that, and one that need not compromise my quality or length of life.

But it’s my blog. It’s my space to say “Hey, vast universe, this completely sucks and what did I ever do to deserve it? No, don’t answer that. It STILL SUCKS!”

I’ve read posts where bloggers were dealing with something difficult in their lives but they also made the point that bad news is relative. It’s a sliding scale. They knew they were on the lightweight end; ultimately blessed and only temporarily put out. But you still have your feelings about it, after all, even while knowing others are really suffering much worse things than you.

I have three beautiful and healthy children. I was lucky this happened to me at 40 and not at 30 or 35 or my precious boys might not be here. Given that I had symptoms before I was pregnant with Honey Bear, he is a super-miracle. We are so blessed to have him! And I’m still “impressive” in every other way (health-wise, snort).

In reading about premature menopause I've learned that some women have premature ovarian failure or early menopause for unknown reasons (like me) in their 20’s and 30’s. Can you imagine at say, age 28, being told you're in menopause? Many haven’t had children yet. They thought they had time.

These are women who break each time they see a mom holding her baby because this condition made them infertile many years before they should have been, robbing them of this most precious experience.

I’m one of those moms.

No, not the one who was robbed.

The one holding her baby.

Next in the series: The Fountain of Youth


Steph said...

AWWWWWWWWWWWW!! He's so cute...look at those cheeks. {{{{Honey Bear and mama}}}}

Sleeping Mommy said...

Very blessed in deed. But you are definitely entitled to feel disappointment and shock and to find a way to deal with it as best as you can.

Such a cutie that baby of yours. But you knew that didn't you?

Sleeping Mommy

Joeprah said...

Look at the Chubs...the baby of course...he is so awesomely cute! You are right about the sliding scale and you keep it in perspective wonderfully...great post!!

Rachel said...

You are extremely blessed with your boys, but you're right. Tragedies and traumas are relative, it's absolutely a sliding scale. Thank you for sharing your heartache and your triumph and your wonderful perspective.

THAT FACE! So cute! I'm in chubby baby love!

Anonymous said...

For you to understand this comment, you must know I never get weepy. Seriously -- the last time was at my wedding or something. But your post was so honestly written that you made me a little teary.

I think it is important to acknowledge our pain while the same time keeping it in perspective.

Emily R

April said...

Amy, I am so sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine it; although I think as women, in some way we can imagine it. Like others who've posted, I had my tubes tied at 30 - I'm 32 now and beginning to regret that decision just a bit, like you, I didn't enjoy pregnancy and told my doctor, I have been blessed with two beautiful babies, I don't need anymore than that....but when we're faced with the reality that we can no longer do X - whatever X is - we want to turn back history and request a "do over"....I will say a prayer for you tonight. Praying that God will give you the peace and strength to get through this situation and especially that you don't dip into a depression (been there!!). If we don't "chat" before, have a very merry christmas.

painted maypole said...

oh... you and that beautiful baby. i'm catching up on reading (family in town...I'm so behind...) and read most of this series just now. I really appreciate your honesty in dealing with this... your anger and sadness and hurt, and also your recognition of your blessings. There is room for all of it, together, and it's OK to feel it all.

Unknown said...

I'm behind on my reading! I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, Amy! I'm impressed with the way you seem to be working through it, though it still sucks that you have to.

I look forward to the next installment!

Unknown said...

oh, and I've added you to my blogroll now, so I won't be away for nearly so long.

Heather said...

I love the way you are working through this!

What a cutie!

Unknown said...

And an adorable baby to boot!

Yes, it is relative. But that doesn't lessen the shock, disappointment, frustration, etc. that you are feeling. I know I would feel the same thing - as if my body betrayed me.

These are great posts. I hope the blogatherapy is helping.

Anonymous said...

I got linked here by Steph. I just wanted to say, first.

OMG. That is the cutest baby. Tjose cheekies! Eeeeeeeeeee!

And second, no matter how relativethe problem is, it's a big deal to you, and I totally understand why. {{}}

S said...

Amy, I know that you know that I understand. Phew. Is that clear at all?

What a thoughtful post.

KC said...

Sometimes things just suck. Yes, there are sliding scales and hidden blessings but I'm with you- we're allowed to still be sad and angry about it. I'm going through the same.

JCK said...

Thanks for your honesty. This stuff is hard to write about. You have every right to your feelings and your putting them on the table, so to speak, makes it easier for other women to deal with their feelings. The fabulous thing about the blogosphere is finding each other and sharing stories. Congrats on your late baby. I have a different story than you, but also ended up having babies late. A planned adoption brought the miracle of our son and turned me into a mommy at 42 and an unplanned pregnancy at 42 gave us our daughter the day after I turned 43. Yes, they are 10 months apart. Yahooo!

Sorry, got off topic. Just wanted to add that Christiane Northrup, M.D. has an amazing book on menopause. I'm adding you to my blogroll, too. Happy Holidays!

Unknown said...

Your son is adorable.

I am one of the ones who used to cry when I saw pg moms since I was unable to carry a baby to term. However, I have 2 beautiful children via adoption and wouldn't trade them for the world. I have since had a hysterectomy but I know that if I would want another baby it's still possible. Just not the way most people go about it.

Have a great holiday and enjoy those blessings :-)

Cynthia said...

What a cute little guy...I'm catching up on the series...

Bea said...

What a gorgeous photo. Thank you for writing this series.

Anonymous said...

I'm new to blogging and as I was reading my sister's blog I clicked the link above on the navigation bar that directed me to the next blog...your blog. I've been reading about your early change of life and you write with such clarity that I get a lump in my throat at times and then the remark about Archie and Edith brought me some needed levity. I remember that episode and it cracked me up. I am 52 and have a 5 year old son that was a "surprise" baby. I assumed I was going through the change and it turned out I was 22 weeks pregnant at age 46. Your very heartfelt story has touched me in a way I can't explain. My heart goes out to you. This world we all share is getting smaller all the time. I don't know what else to say except ...thank-you. Thank-you for sharing your thoughts. You certainly are blessed! They grow so quickly---before ya know it you'll be holding your grand-children! (My grandson is 4)Love~Elaine

nutmeg said...

Blessed I see. It still stinks. I'm 42 and could have written some of your words on these posts. I wonder if the desire for another will ever go away.

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