10/6/08

Growing Pains



The post below is from a year ago.

I don't often post about my sweet girl. She's nineteen and a half and I think it would be unfair to write too extensively about her life. Also, it would be a novel; one of pain and loss and love and beauty that I could never do justice to and it might kill me to write it.

One thing I will say - she is the first most special thing that ever happened to me. My first true love. My first little baby. I cherish this daughter, this blessing. Our umbilical cord is now invisible; a tether of emotional connection that is composed of some element not of this earth that can never be severed. Each breath I draw and ever will for the rest of my life has her within it.
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October, 2007
I haven't seen Sugarplum for 9 days. She was coming home every Sunday over the summer but since classes have started I've not seen her as much. We talk most days, but not all. When she moved out I didn't go into her room for three months. I just left it, with stuff all over the floor that she didn't take, needing vacuumed.

I miss my Sugarplum. As complicated as our relationship is she is like my breath and my heart and my idea of heaven. Having my little boys at home keeps it from being a full-on case of empty nest depression.

But one has grown and moved away.

She moved farther than I expected.

When she was 3 years-old I was carrying her one day and she said, "I'm like a little flower clinging to it's stem." Since then, I've sprouted two new flowers that fill my heart (it's amazing how you can love each of them so much it hurts - there is room for all of them!) and my first blossom, my Sugarplum, is growing on her own now.

Still, I can feel those tiny arms around my neck. I can smell her baby hair. I can see the laughter in her eyes. I can hear her giggles. My heart remembers and cherishes all of it. Almost in a fierce way. Almost in a terrified way. Almost like I'm daring the universe to try and take that baby, that girl, from me. It cannot be done. For where ever she is at any given moment, she is every day and every age in me; every look, smile, tear, wave, hug, dance, every thing she's ever been is in my soul.

My baby, 1989













With Shark Boy, 2003





With Honey Bear, 2007


With Mama

17 comments:

Lori said...

Beautiful...

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Um, everything is fine y'all! You can stop e-mailing me.

I'm just re-posting content because I can't write new stuff this week. No biggie!

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

You have gone and made me CRY CRY CRY!

Lovely and she is just beautiful.

Rachel said...

Awwwww.

Those photos are stunning and this is so sweet.

*sigh*

maitlandmommy said...

goddamit amy - you made my mascara run. but in a good way. she.is.beautiful.

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

She is stunning and oh so lovey. Great job momma.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

Oh, A! Her First Communion picture is so cute. You are lucky to have a daughter - it's a special bond.

LceeL said...

That last picture ... two absolutely gorgeous women. And you can see one in the other. How very, very lovely that is.

Nap Warden said...

Just beautiful:)

Ringleader said...

My oldest is only 11, but I am still all, "Noooooooooooo" when I realize she will grow up and leave one day. I can't bear to think about it.

MamaGeek @ Works For Us said...

Wow. She. You.

Are both so very beautiful Amy!

Pamela Kramer said...

I know you are not trying to make me cry but you are making me cry. We are in the same boat. It's tough.

Sugarplum's Mom said...

LOVE the portrait on the beach.

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Thanks everyone!

AFF - I love the first communion photo too! That was my 30th birthday.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

This was beautiful and ethereal and touched something deeply inside me, very keenly as I recently moved my daughter into her dorm at college. I can relate in so many painful and wonderful ways.

Wonderful post, mama.

I am Barking Mad said...

Oh and Stumbled! Because it NEEDED to be!

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Auds - thanks for the Stumble!

I've recently been Stumbled and Dugg -- sounds like a bad thing doesn't it?!? I appreciate it though.

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